How To Feel Happy All The Time - User Manual For Humans S1 E15 - Dr Ekberg

Welcome everybody

Thank you for coming I'm thrilled to see all of you here. We are going to have some fun

We are getting to some of my favorite topics here.

We're up to part fifteen of User Manual for Humans,

so by now you should be starting to get an idea on how to take care of the human.

So tonight's topic is basically how to feel good.

Is anyone here at all interested in feeling good? okay good

So let me ask you this also is there anything else in the world that you are

interested in except feeling good?

Is there anything at all that you do for any reason

except to feel good?

Not really, not really

So this is kind of a big topic

and yet

humans are not necessarily a very good at it

Even though we all want to feel good, and it's the only reason we do anything

we don't really have a clear grip on how that happens

So why do we care

what makes us feel good and what makes us not feel so good?

First of all,

this just bare with me,

why do we want to feel good?

First of all

it's really obvious because it feels good to feel good

It feels a whole lot better to feel good than

not to,

but more so

feeling good heals the body. When you feel good

You are reducing stress you are enabling all sorts of physiological processes

if we do blood tests before and after something that made you feel good

you will see that your immune systems will improve that all sorts of things start

working better in the body

When we feel good

also

if we want to look further

you probably notice that it's easier to like somebody else

who's feeling

good.

Not someone that is sort of full of themselves, but

we are drawn to people who feel good and when people are nasty and ornery and feel bad

we sort of

we don't want

to deal with them.

Feeling good is really contagious,

and just in general it tends to make things workout really well in life.

The next is one of my favorite poems

by an indian

guy called Rabindranath Tagore.

He says, "I slept and I dreamt that life was

joy.

I woke

and saw life was service.

I acted

and behold, service was joy."

And that kind of puts it in

perspective. That's basically what we're going to talk about.

That it's not so much what you do, but it's how you interpret what you do.

and

the saying is if you can't do what you like then learn to like what you do, okay

so that's basically the same thing.

Because life is about joy.

There's really, we all said it, we don't

Everybody wants to feel good and there's no other reason that we want to do anything, so life is

about joy

and the more that you start kind of searching for the purpose of life

the more you probably come up

with a conclusion that life is joy. The purpose of life is to feel good.

Joy is our natural state

And this is a big one

Joy is its natural and it will be our natural state until

we interfere with it

so if nothing else is going on

then joy is present

and it's the same thing that weíve talked about before with health. That health is present

unless something interferes

It's just like water running down hill it's going to keep doing that because it's in the nature

of water and gravity

to run downhill until something interferes

so it is with the health of the body

It is natural for the body

To to find balance in health until something is interfered with

and the same thing is true with joy.

Suffering on the other hand

is not very natural.

And we are going to make it

really really simple

And we are going to say

that suffering

is focusing on how something is not the way it's supposed to be

Can anybody find an exception to that?

I don't think so

so suffering and feeling that is basically

we want something to be different than the way it is

Does that usually work?

No things are the way they that they are from the time that we observe them that

is what is

and yet when we feel bad that we want it to be different

so it makes no sense whatsoever

To feel bad so

it's really just, weíve talked a lot about conditioning before

and this is just another way that weíre conditioned. This is something that we are taught

and we can also unlearn it.

So if we see something and it's not the that we like it

the obvious solution for most people, for the ego, especially is

then to make everything in the world the way it is supposed to be, right?

So you, because if everything in the world is the way it's supposed to be then you don't

have to feel bad about it.

It's the simple easy solution

but when you think about it

it's kind of a big job

So you want to arrange everything to your liking then you want to get rid of

traffic

you kill all the mean people in the world

You get rid of bad weather, the floods and the tornados

eliminate suffering and disease and death

When do you think you'll have that done by?

Alright, so even though the ego and we are conditioned to think that okay

that thing out there doesn't please me so let me change that

there is another way

and that's the change how I feel about the thing

and we have a certain amount of resistance to doing that because after

all

we our right and we don't want that thing to be the way that it is and we can justify

why we're right

and we'll argue and we will tell people

and we'll form associations

and clubs and write books about why it shouldnít be that way

but really what we're going to talk about is that it is much much smarter to

actually just let the thing be the way it is

and change how you feel about it.

So here's another famous poem

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

And there's a lot that goes into that.

So when we want to change something

it basically means that we're trying to have a certain amount of control. That we

think that we would feel better if we can control the thing out there

that's annoying us

so

when we can control the thing we will feel better and this also gives us

as we get trained in this way of thinking

it gives us a controlled mentality

that we start having the need

to control

and when you start looking around at all the things that you want change and

control then that gives you a lot of stress because now there's a lot of

stuff on your to do list.

And we get into the mentality of action and doing

and even though

we don't necessarily do a lot about it, we worry about, we think about

things that we ought to do

and this is where we we get

this feeling of 'overwhelment'

it's more so on a mental to do list than something that we are actually about

to do. And

then once you realize that there is a

a lot more things in the world

that are out of your control

than there are things that your actually supposed to do something about

so

What you can control, which weíll talk about, is you can control how you feel

and that is only thing that you can and the only thing you are supposed to control

So letís just talk about

how good the world really is,

and how few things that are that need fixing.

The world does not need fixing

it's just right the way it is.

It's not waiting for you to be born and, and go and take care of it

So how much effort did you have to go and put in this morning to keep the earth spinning?

Okay not much, it's doing it by itself.

You can check that off your list.

So the sun still rises, water still flows down hill,

plants still grow,

houses are still built. This building here

you didn't have to put one

ounce of effort into making it. It was just here for you

Cars are made

you don't have to make them. Food is produced

Thereís so many things

when you start thinking about it when you start appreciating all the things that

are just there for you

then you realize just how incredibly easy life is

That all you have to do is

go to your job or whatever

your pass time is and

do what you are supposed to

and theyíll give you

money in the form of credits

and

then when you get your credits you get a little plastic card

so you don't have to pump the gas, you donít have to build the car to grow

the food you just

swipe a little piece of plastic

And things just show up for you

and once we start thinking the more that we can think of how easy

life is

the easier it becomes. Because the emotional burden

is off our shoulders.

So

reality so now the sensible person says yeah yeah yeah but

just look around look at all the terrible things. I watch the news every day and

you canít close your eyes

the reality itís out there. Well

there are lots of things that are real.

There are good things that are real

and there are bad things that are real.

Just because theyíre bad doesn't mean that you have to pay attention.

It doesn't

mean that you have to pay more attention and make it more important

but because of the way that our society works

we have something called news

and they sift through all the things that that happened and everything that's

news worthy

is anything that's really bad

So if there's a million things to the world that happened

if there's a happy mothers cooking a meal for her daughter or

a daughter gets an A on a spelling test

or somebody gives somebody a hug

somebody gives somebody a

smile or a hand shake, or lets them in in traffic

There is millions and millions and millions of good things happening

but when we open up the paper

theyíre going to tell us

who died and who was shot and what else is wrong.

They're sifting through reality for us they're are giving us

a tiny tiny tiny little slice

of reality and they're making us believe that that's what the world is.

And if we watch the news if we take that in every day

that's going to be our most global belief. That's going to be our worldview

and that's how weíre going to wake up and feel about the world

so it's not about how many

things that are out there that are bad

Itís for every bad thing you can choose a good thing

and whatever you choose to put your attention on

that is how you will feel.

Guaranteed

So

have you noticed for example

that

last time that you bought a new car or a used car or whatever

all of a sudden thereís were thousands

of those cars driving around

Have you noticed that?

Or when you buy a new toy or a new piece of clothing or a new bike or a new

whatever it is

All of a sudden

there's just lots and lots of people you notice they have the same one when thereís just more of them everywhere

and that's just because

You tune your attention

to that channel

and whatever you tune your attention to

Thatís going to show up more

that's how the world operates

So you can tune your attention to the bad stuff and thatís going to show up

Or you can tune your attention to good stuff

and that's going to show up for you.

So it's not how much stuff there's out there because itís all there every bit of it

Thereís billions and billions of things out there

but you can choose which ones you notice

and that's going to determine how you feel.

So then

the next

the next cynic, the

Complaint, or the

Or what am I looking for.. the word

I can think of the Swedish word, but anyway

So someone says well

you can't you can't think like that

you have to be realistic you can't just turn her head and just look at the

good stuff. That's awfully selfish

so we're also taught

that weíre selfish

if we don't pay attention. That's why we feel

the need to look at all the bad news because after all if we don't.. if we

don't partake in it and feel bad about it

then we are being selfish.

But

this is based on a lack mentality when we think that there are limited

resources

in the world then we believe

that we can only have something

if someone else is deprived of it

and

that may be hold true for certain

physical items in certain situations but it's not true for well being

and

this is one of my favorite lists here and it really puts things in perspective

You can't be poor enough to make others wealthy,

You can't be confused enough

to give others clarity,

You can't be angry enough to give others peace,

You can't be sad enough to make others happy,

and You can't be sick enough to make others healthy.

So when it comes to well being what you do does not interfere with anybody else it's the absolute

contrary

That if you feel good about yourself then you have something to give and

feeling good is contagious. Then you can be a role model you can be example

and you will actually have something to offer to somebody else [pause]

so there is no limit to joy and wellbeing

you don't have to worry about being selfish youíre not depriving someone else

of their happiness just because you feel happy just because you feel good

so when you decide that news makes you feel bad and as you start feeling better

you'll notice that

you know I don't want to watch news anymore

That stuff makes me feel bad. It doesn't fit

with my goal of feeling good

and you're not depriving anybody else

by making yourself feel better [pause]

So, where does joy come from?

Joy does not come from

having or getting stuff.

We believe that it is because every time we get something weíre happy.

We get a new car, a new diamond ring, new toy, new whatever, new raise, new job

we get happy but

it's not the thing that makes us happy

it's how we feel about it

it's our interpretation

of whatever's going on

And then someone says well

Iím not materialistic. Relationships, love that's what's

important so when Iím loved that is when I am happy

and that's not true either

because there are lots of people who have stuff that arenít happy there are

lots of people who are loved that are not happy

so actually what makes you happy

is how you feel about something so itís

being happy is something that you put out

it's your feeling or your vibration toward somebody

so whether is a thing or a person that you love

it's the

It's the state of loving. That makes you Happy. It's the state of appreciating something that makes you happy.

What

about

all those

really really good reasons to be upset? [group laughter]

When you just know that you're right

I mean there is so many times

that you just know you have

a good reason shouldn't you be

allowed to be upset [Laughter]

and the answer

is of course you are

but why would you want to?

And that's the whole point.

That thereís the

cliche: 'would you rather be right or happy?'

and

being right

never actually leads to anything

you can never win an argument whoever you

argue with and you convince them that you're right

you didn't make them happy you didn't make yourself happy

you just wasted a bunch of energy and wasted a bunch of time

so

When you spill something or break something

when you watch senseless violence

if you get rudely cut off in traffic if you lose a job or an important contract

if you lose even worse

you lose a relative or a family member

Those are definitely absolutely really good reasons

to be upset and

it's only human

that that we are. I mean I don't know anybody that can completely be avoid it

but one way to deal with it is to ask yourself

well now that i

now that i see what happened and i'm upset

how long

do I

how long am I obligated

to be upset? Okay

because if I spill something

Well Iím upset

thirty-seconds some people may be upset the rest of the day but most people would

get over it pretty quickly they wipe it up they clean the mess and move on

But if you can get over something after a certain amount of time

why not get over it right now?

Why do you have to spend that time

before it's okay to get over it? (laughs) Okay

and we have these things that the more severe it is

So let's just take the most extreme example we lose

a family member.

I'm not going to say you that you can't,

you shouldn't be upset, or that you won't

but it helps to ask yourself

what would that person want for you? Okay

You lose a partner

would that person want for you to be miserable the rest of your life?

Would that be their highest wish?

Or would they say okay you know

it happened its history I would love for you to get on with your life

and then we can look at that differently and we can say

well you know instead of just looking at all the bad stuff and how terrible it is that they're gone

let's just look at

appreciating what they were here for

so maybe then

we can get over it in

or have a higher quality of life after a month

rather than just dragging it out and be miserable 10 years later.

Because there's some people that you know

that say the

moment something happens they say i'll never get over this

and they make it a promise

and they never do but

who's benefiting from that? So

There's certainly some things that we may say that there's a good reason but

in the bigger perspective there's not really ever

a good reason.

So let's review a little bit.

Suffering

is when you want something to be different than it is.

And we've said you know

that rarely works because what is what is your arguing with reality

So in a sense

you are resisting what is.

And resistance

is

is sort of

a roadblock

resistance

Thereís a cliche again, What you resist persists.

And especially this is true with thoughts and feelings because the moment that you

resist it

that resistance kind of clings it becomes the glue that holds that together and

keeps it with you. And

What we also have to understand is resistance or feelings or thoughts

they're

not real.

We make them real

we think when we have a feeling when we're absorbed by a feeling we believe it's real

it feels real

but it's just a feeling.

There's nothing real about it nobody outside of us unless told them would know anything about it

Itís a completely internal experience

and

their never really about the thing

but it's our interpretation

and it's how we choose to focus. How

we choose to view the thing that weíre upset about.

So resistance is the same thing as holding on

or not letting go.

So suffering is always

about how you look at it..

Always.

And you can have really really good reasons for upsets

but you're not going to get any points in heaven or anywhere else for or being

right or for having a good reason the only one suffering from that good reason

is the person

with the feeling.

And to round all of this up

all that really matters is how you feel

right now.

So if you make that decision

that the most important

thing

ever

is how you feel

then you've come a long way. And if you make that priority

then you can notice

when when you're not feeling good and you have a little distance. You can step away

and say oh I wonder what this is all about

and you don't have to become absorbed

by that emotion by the situation

and what weíll talk in a little bit about

one technique that that you can use

and one of my favorite sayings by Wayne Dyer

'Change the way you look at things

and the things you look at change.' It's so simple and so profound.

So let's talk about letting go

and this is not something I came up with and um

it's down

on the resources

page itís number one itís called the Sedona Method

and Iím just going to run you through very very quickly

uh... one way of how this can

work

That about

what letting go is.

At first you have to

understand

and make the acknowledgement that you can let go

that feelings are not real that itís something you can just drop.

First you welcome the emotion. Don't resist it just let it be what it is

and then you ask yourself

Could I let it go?

and then you ask

Would I? Am I willing?

and then you ask when?

And obviously you answer it right now cause there's no reason to

postpone it

and then you can dig a little deeper and you can ask

this feeling that I have

is it about me wanting more control?

more approval?

more security?

more separation from something?

Or more oneness, more unity with something?

so I'm not going to even pretend to teach you the technique

But I wanted to expose you to one way of doing this and if you like then that's lots and lots of

resources and he's got wonderful course that that you can order

so

if everybody put their put your pens down keep your pen actually put your

block down

and find

yourself

a comfortable position.

And then you take your pen

and you grip it.

And hold it really tight.

And this is a feeling.

This is what we do to feelings. We hold on to them we say this is mine.

I'll tell you and I'll explained to you why I feel this way and why I'm so entitled

and why Iím right

but it's just a feeling and we're holding on to it we're doing the gripping

and once you understand that

all you have to do

is just understand itís not attached to you

And just let it go just drop it

And once you can separate yourself from the emotion

and let the emotion come in

And observe it

And then you can drop it. And

if you look back and I think you already see as you look back and review this

and you understand that everything we've talked about your entire quality of life

is about how you feel

and we all said that we want to feel good

so would it be pretty valuable to be able to change how you feel to drop an unpleasant

feeling at will

and you can do it in ten seconds rather than

three days

So everybody pick something

that annoys you

you right now

or on a regular basis okay

and

just pay attention to how you feel about it

Okay welcome

the emotion

How does it feel to want to change that? Can you feel the tension that comes

from wanting to change it?

Wanting to control it?

You can keep your eyes open or close your eyes whichever is

more comfortable.

And then

ask yourself

could I

let this go

could I drop it?

And I don't you donít have to drop forever just for now. Just in this moment you can pick

it back up in one minute if you like but just for now could you drop it?

Would you? When?

Did anybody notice a difference?

Did anybody feel a little bit lighter

about that the topic?

Okay and Iím not claiming to give this justice either

but I want to give an idea.

And then what you can do is

You don't just do it once, but you just do it over and over and over

and You do until

you feel a sense

of complete relief

until

you don't care one way or the other.

And this feels like a trap to most people because it feels like well you know I really do want to change it

there are things that I really do care about

but that's the that's the fallacy because we think that we have to feel

bad about things to change them

when the truth of the matter is

when we let go

we liberate resources to actually deal with it

so what we find is when we feel that we really don't care

then is when things

really start happening instead

so it's worth a try, so then revisit that feeling

if there is the same feeling and if it's still there is less or whatever

Or we can pick another one

and welcome it

Let it be what it is

And dig a little deeper and see if it feels like

it comes from

wanting control

Does it come from wanting approval

security

separation

or oneness

and if you don't know which one

Just pick one it really doesnít matter

that's the great part about it

and then just for now

could you let that go? could you drop it? Would you? When?

and one more time see if there's a little bit of feeling left

or a lot of it left and

Welcome it

just let it be

And dig a little deeper

See if it comes from

Wanting control

approval

security

separation

or oneness

and then ask yourself

just for now

Could you let it go?

Just drop it. Just let it drift away. Would you? When?

Anybody feel a little different feel a little lightness? Hands up okay

So, it seems really really simple but a lot the

profound things in life are really simple so

weíll call it a stop right there

and uh...

if you have any questions I'll be happy to take those

Can be questions on anything

Thank you very much.